The Decision for IVF

December 2016

Its been an emotional year.

AGAIN.

De Ja Vu.

I feel like I’m starting to sound like a broken record.

12 months ago I found myself on this very balcony, writing in my journal, reflecting on 2015 and contemplating the path ahead. I stumbled across a random quote that literally reached out of the page and smacked me across the head.

“Radical Acceptance.” It screamed at me, “YOUR Journey IS and WILL be different. Get over it.”

My head spun from the impact and I sat there breathless for a moment, reeling from the word slap.

Coming to terms with and FULLY accepting that one actually NEEDS invasive fertility treatments is a whole journey of its own.

Some people accept it quicker than others. Some jump straight into medical intervention while others refuse to do what they consider “unnatural”. What I have learned throughout the years is that there is no manual on how to handle infertility and there is no right and there is no wrong way of dealing with this. You deal with it how you deal with it. Your journey is your own. You will NOT neatly follow the 5 stages of grief in succinct order. You are not a medical textbook; you are a complex human being with emotions, hormones, expectations, ideals, perceptions, paradigms and religious beliefs that dictate your behavior: most of it unconscious.

I was never closed off to IVF, but for some reason I wanted to try other things first. I guess I needed to know that I had exhausted all other options first. Knowing what’s the ‘right’ decision is a ridiculously difficult feat, and most of us rely on, and want, the medical professionals to just tell us what to do. But as I’ve learned, listening to my body and my gut instinct has been an integral part of my journey as well.

So, exactly one year ago I finally accepted that I needed IVF and found myself sitting in the office of the “dickhead” doctor (as my husband so fondly refers to him) getting disrespected and mistreated. As angry as I was, I realise now that I must thank him. My fury motivated me to pursue further rigorous research that provided the evidence that not only changed my whole journey this year, but also changed my life forever.

So as I sit and reflect on 2016 I realise that once again absolutely NOTHING went to plan. I never had IVF. Instead I spent my money on major surgery and my accrued leave recovering from it. And then we did what I thought we were never going to do again: we tried to conceive naturally.

The journey was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.

It had been a full year since the last time we sat down and had the frank conversation about radical acceptance. These, of course, are not easy conversations to have. Perhaps we should, AGAIN, accept that it was not going to happen for us naturally, regardless of what the doctor said. Once again I felt jaded by the hope that I had felt from hearing other people’s success stories post surgery.

The moment we finally accepted this hard truth the thick, grey burden that permeated the house began to slowly wisp out the window into the cerulean sky until only a thin mist remained. Light began to shine through and shimmer in the afterglow. Our eyes blinked in relief as sharp rays of hope began to infiltrate the mist.

Radical Acceptance packs a powerful punch.

So here I go.

With shaking hands I pick up the phone and shove the fear of the unknown into a little proverbial suitcase that I carry with me always.

I choke back tears as I make THE CALL.

“Hello, Fertility Clinic, how may I help you?”

My voice falters.

I DON’T want to do this.

I DON’T want to be in this position.

I DON’T want to go through any more.

I DON’T want the pain.

I DON’T want to spend any more money.

I DON’T want the emotional journey and disappointment that inevitably lies ahead.

“Suck it up princess.” I demand of myself. My throat constricts and I croak out my name and request an appointment.

“So, do you know if you actually need fertility treatments?” she asks nicely.

“Um……yes I do.” I state with confidence.

And that is my moment of complete acceptance.

But the unknown is terrifying.

And the last few years have shown me…..Life DOESN’T go to plan.