The Counsellors
March 2017
He was an old, eccentric man who resembled a wiry Einstein.
The top of his bald head shone in reflection of the fluorescent lights above, and his significant receding hairline ended in a surprising and unexpected crazy mess of thin, curly, grey hair that stood up as though he’d been electrocuted.
He asked us a couple questions about our situation.
We gave him a brief summary and informed him that we were exhausted and had decided to take a break.
His beady eyes widened in disapproval.
“Break?” he scoffed, “You don’t have time for a break! I know you feel exhausted and depleted now, but you’re not going to feel any better in a few months. You need to keep going. You don’t have the luxury of time.”
Now MY eyes widened in incredulousness. Was he serious?
Jarod and I were both very fragile at this point. We desperately needed advice that would assist our marriage, help us build further resilience and ease some of our suffering – we therefore chose to see a counsellor who specialised in infertility and IVF at the top fertility centre in the city.
That seems appropriate, right?
Instead this wiry, balding Einstein-man just talked AT us, offering unsolicited, and inappropriate, medical advice that was out of his scope of practice (and not in accordance with anything the doctors had mentioned to us).
He didn’t ask any further questions – he just talked and talked and talked.
He told us we had NO control in this journey – that we just needed to accept that.
He told us that we needed to consider donor eggs.
He told us we didn’t have time for self-care – we just needed to suck it up.
At first I was shocked; then I started to feel my blood boil. I could tell that Jarod was having the same reaction.
Jarod wanted to retort, “You think we have no control? Mate, we could choose to NOT do IVF and we could end this whole thing right now. We DO have control, and we are choosing to take a break.”
But he didn’t say it. Instead he stayed quiet while this man rambled on endlessly.
Fortunately, out of the full hour, there was ONE point that stuck with us.
“The research clearly shows that stress does NOT impact pregnancy outcomes,” he said. “There is NO evidence to show that being stressed has any impact whatsoever on whether you can get pregnant or not. Rape victims are a clear example of this. They are severely stressed and they wish the pregnancy away, but they still have healthy babies.”
TANGENT WARNING
Now in my heart I’ve always known this, but the BARAGE of comments regarding “relaxing” that I have been HAMMERED with over the past 5 years has left me friable and incredibly defensive.
The top comments uttered globally would be this:
“Just relax.”
“Stop stressing.”
“Just go on a holiday/vacation.”
“Be more positive.”
It’s amazing to me that any of these people avoid the well-deserved punch in the face.
Some of us are too nice and we pointlessly try to reassure ourselves, “They are just ignorant,” or “They are just trying to help, they don’t mean any harm.”
And then there are those that are just too depleted and weak from their suffering to summon the strength to actually punch anyone.
But my theory lies in this –
1. They are only mindlessly regurgitating a global belief that is pawned by ignorant and simple-minded folk that have not experienced any depth of pain in their life.
2. Your pain makes them uncomfortable – so they casually say something lighthearted in order to change the subject and minimise their own discomfort. Well, God forbid that they feel uncomfortable right? This is more about THEM than YOU. It gives you insight into their inability to connect with another human being on a deep and empathetic level.
3. They TRULY believe that being “positive” has the power to not only change your anatomy, but completely reprogram your DNA (my words, not theirs obviously).
‘Positive Psychology’ definitely has it’s benefits, but as I am NOT a psychologist or a professional in this area I will not be elaborate further regarding this specific form of psychology. I can only speak of personal experience, as that is all that I have. But I do know that many psychologists do not really agree with ‘positive psychology’ as it can be supremely detrimental (especially when you’re experiencing grief and loss).
Case in point:
– NEGATIVE emotions are NOT bad.
– It is NECESSARY and HEALTHY to feel ALL of your emotions.
– There are no “good” or “bad” emotions, and people should NOT be told that what they are feeling is “wrong” (talk about adding insult to injury).
– It’s OK to not be OK.
And I’ve learned from personal experience that my natural positivity has never once changed the outcome of this journey.
I will confess that once upon a time I was supremely egotistical and smug. I was born a ‘natural optimist’ and I honestly thought that I was better than others. The ease in which a positive outlook came to me was NOT earned – it’s just my personality type, and yet I’d roll my eyes at my sisters and cousins and say with an air-headed, dismissive and condescending laugh “Just relax guys, you need to be more positive.”
Now, that was when I was 18 – thankfully I’ve grown up since then.
But there is a DETRIMENTAL and DELETERIOUS effect to ‘positivity’ that the ‘innocent’ (I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt) commentator does not realise.
And that is this:
When you tell someone to “just relax and not stress” you are implying that they are NOT trying to desperately relax and not stress.
When you tell someone to “be more positive” you are implying that they are NOT trying to be positive.
How egotistical of you to assume that you know what we are and are not trying.
Oh, but it goes so much deeper than that (and this is where you begin to tread on dangerous ground) – You are IMPLYING that it is something I AM or AM NOT doing that is affecting my outcome.
In other words….you are saying this IS MY FAULT.
And that is THE WORST thing you can say to someone who is going through such intense grief and suffering.
You may not even realise what you are saying, or the depth of implication, blame and pain that such a simple sentence can cause – so that’s why I am telling you.
TANGENT OVER.
So the wiry-eccentric counsellor offered us no assistance. In fact, we left feeling worse than when we first arrived.
A month later we returned to see the other counsellor at the clinic. She was lovely, but unfortunately did not offer much help either.
“I’m not exactly sure what you guys are wanting from this session,” she said in apparent confusion.
“We’re going through infertility,” I said in exasperation, “We’re exhausted. We’re broken. We need help.”
She shrugged a little helplessly.
I was starting to wonder why the Clinic even offered counsellors.
She did note that Jarod was very emotional and teary (which we obviously knew – that is why we were there) and recommended that he get professional help.
“I feel as though you need more help than what I can offer you,” she summarised as she looked up some centres for marriage counselling.
Another dead end.
Finding support while experiencing infertility was proving to be a depressing, complicated and futile endeavour.
Little did I know how the rest of the year was going to prove this phenomenon even more, leaving me lonely, isolated and profoundly hopeless.
