“Why me?” The complicated question that strangely embodies both sadness and happiness.

“I can’t do this,” I would moan to my husband, “this is going to kill me. I won’t survive.”

“I am so sorry hun, your pregnancy test was negative.” I gulped. I wanted to vomit, and yet I had expected it.

“I’m only doing this for closure,” I’d staunchly say to myself, as if articulating the words out loud would convince my little fragile, hopeful heart.

If I were to be completely honest – painfully transparent in fact – my struggle with people was nothing compared to my struggle with God.

I’d had many episodes over the last few years where I felt “depressed”, but nothing quite like this. In fact, I wasn’t even sure I felt sad – I just felt unbelievably tired.

I was excited, yet terrified – I wanted to meet her baby before I left, yet it seemed way too confronting.

It would send me into a frenzy of weeping until all the anger, envy, fury, disappointment and bitterness would leave me.

I gulped again. I was terrible at saying no. I was terrible at self-care. I was terrible at setting boundaries. I cared too much about what people thought of me.

“Break?” he scoffed, “You don’t have time for a break! I know you feel exhausted and depleted now, but you’re not going to feel any better in a few months.”

I got out of the shower and sat, exhausted, on the couch. I felt like I was losing my mind. I really didn’t know if Jarod was ever going to come home.

How do I describe a feeling so complex, that the layers themselves are blurry in my own mind? How do I convey the depth of pain that permeates the soul when all hope is lost?

For a brief moment I want him to go; I want him to move on with his life. I believe that it’s all my fault that he’s going through this horrible, painful crisis.

What are we trying to prove? Why do we think we are weak? Why can’t we go through each phase with gentle acceptance and respond positively to our body’s needs?

A roller coaster of emotions would whisk me away, sending me through shock, sorrow and then acceptance……all within a space of 15 minutes.

“You are my dream girl.” he whispered, and with calloused palms he gently wiped away my tears.