The Emotions

The next few days blurred into a molten array of thoughts. Ash-tainted clouds hung over me. A roller coaster of emotions would whisk me away, sending me through shock, sorrow and then acceptance……all within a space of 15 minutes.

I’d breathe in deeply, relieved as I embraced acceptance…but then go on the roller coaster ride again.

I remember when our social worker in ICU said that the “5 Stages of Grief” was a load of nonsense.

Denial – Anger – Bargaining – Depression  – Acceptance

She said that, in her extensive experience, no one actually grieved in that perfect little order. Everyone grieves differently and most people don’t follow that neat little pathway of emotions. I definitely didn’t. I never bargained and I only got angry when I’d witness the injustice in this world…..

In clinic – seeing pregnant women abuse their bodies with drugs and alcohol, completely unhindered by how detrimental this was to their unwanted, unborn baby.

In ICU – taking care of babies and children that have been abused by their parents.

My blood boils. THAT is what makes me angry.

And of course, it is inevitable to feel chagrined by the irony that so many loving couples are having trouble conceiving, unable to start a family. Why is this happening? Why is infertility on a rise? I will explore this phenomenon deeper as I continue to share my journey.

Why me? 

I never actually asked that question. I surprisingly accepted my diagnosis with profound acquiesce. My mind briefly protested, but I never sulked. Besides, what makes me so special that I should not have some difficulty of my own? So many of my friends have struggled with infertility and/or loss, and each story is amazingly unique. No journey seems to be the same. They have suffered through diagnoses of unexplained infertility, polycystic ovaries, recurrent miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies and even intrauterine fetal deaths. The inspiration lies in their strength as they have powered through the difficulties and harnessed deep resilience, eventually giving birth to beautiful healthy babies.

There is no doubt that my perspective is also tainted by my jobs. I have witnessed women permanently scarred by recurrent 2nd trimester losses, the death of premature twins, the inability to sustain a pregnancy, and there are few words that can describe the intense fear of a mother giving birth to a baby with a life-threatening congenital anomaly (birth defect).

But it’s not all gloom and doom. I have also seen incredible success stories. A viable pregnancy after multiple cycles of IVF and recurrent miscarriages. A healthy term baby after a stillbirth. Premature babies that did not develop the classic complications of prematurity……there are so many amazing, positive stories out there. Sometimes my brain reprimands me for ever being negative!

But that’s the kicker….

I AM allowed to go on this emotional journey. It would be unhealthy to suppress my feelings, even though my mind strains to enforce practicality –  “You don’t have it that bad. There are people out there that have it so much worse than you!” This echoes in my mind on a daily basis.

But I am giving myself permission to feel whatever emotions assail me. I will be gentle with myself. I will not critizise or harshly reprimand my heart for being “weak”. This will only cause further damage. Instead, I will allow myself to fully feel each emotion, I will acknowledge it and, when I’m ready, I will send it away, lightly in the breeze.

Recommendation

For more words of wisdom on life I encourage you to visit the blog of our wonderful social worker Liz Crowe.

She’s also published a simple, yet powerful book illustrating how people cope individually with loss & grief.