The Hormonal Chaos

This is not an “estrogen-withdrawal” headache.

Those headaches are different.

When my estrogen levels drop I suddenly feel a toxic, electrical and eery ache in the front of my head. A pressure starts to build and I feel a sense of impending doom. My estrogen-withdrawal headache is only but a harbinger of further suffering. With dread I wait for the inevitable menstrual migraines, the debilitating period pain and the feelings of hopelessness and desperation.

I admit, with full honesty, that I am desperate for my childbearing years to be over. What a contradictory thing for a midwife to say. Or is it?

Some women RELISH this phase of their lives. If only I was so lucky.

TODAY, though, is different.

Today I have a “progesterone headache”. These headaches are dull, throbbing and create a feeling of unbearable heaviness. Progesterone makes me moody, irrational and angry. This hormone is known to affect your neural pathways……..in other words, it’s a powerful manipulator of your brain.

Progesterone also makes me hot and hungry (it’s a steroid hormone; it affects your metabolism) . Progesterone also slows your bowels down. Why do you think you get so constipated in pregnancy? And of course it can cause bloating and nausea.

Fun times.

Why does the “pro-gestation” hormone drag me into the ground, depleting me of my energy and laughing at me in the process?

Last night I woke up at 2am….

AGAIN.

My heart was racing.

My throat was tight.

PANIC consumed me.

I couldn’t breathe.

My fingers tingled.

And I started to sweat.

I KNEW it was my hormones.

I understand their POWER.

I am in tune with my body and am very sensitive to the changes.

I also feel like I’ve been on an endless journey of self-experimentation, taking so many hormones that I am now ACUTELY AWARE of how each hormone makes me feel. It is eye-opening to take a progesterone pill and within a couple hours finding yourself consumed with negativity.

These nightly “PANIC ATTACKS” were wearing me down, but with a forced and calm disposition I would close my eyes and take deep, controlled breaths.

One of our ICU doctors (who is also a Yoga teacher) informed us that the only way to control your CNS (central nervous system) is by BREATHING. Deep, slow breaths can slow down your heart rate and decrease the fight/flight response.

Breathing was the only thing I could do to calm my racing heart during these pre-dawn hormonal episodes. In my moment of panic, I would feel deep empathy for those women who suffer from this very thing, but think they’ve developed an anxiety disorder; this only adds insult to injury and if you panic while you are having a “panic attack” it causes nothing but exacerbation of the very thing you are trying to avoid.

It is easy to get carried away and allow your “mean girl” voice to tell you that you are weak, pathetic and crazy. This does NOT serve you. It only makes things worse.

ACKNOWLEDGING the power of hormones affords you self-compassion and radical acceptance.

Be gentle with yourself and do not beat yourself up for feeling sad, angry, irritable or weepy. The hormones are in control. You cannot control what the hormones are doing in that moment but you CAN control HOW YOU RESPOND to what you are feeling.

As women we suffer ENOUGH. Self-loathing is a self-perpetuated HELL that only makes our journey worse.

The panic attacks that I suffered EVERY night for YEARS nearly brought me to my knees. The hormonal chaos that was ensuing from severe endometriosis, polycystic ovaries and my huge ovarian cyst (endometrioma) was crippling my existence. The night shifts in the hospital only exacerbated the chaos.

The headaches were debilitating.

The chronic pain was sending me into a spiral of depression and suicidal ideations.

The constant (non-cyclical) breast pain was affecting my sleep and I would lay awake at night, panicking about breast cancer.

The weeks and weeks of bleeding plummeted my iron levels, my energy, my immunity and my will to live.

My unpredictable fluctuating moods left me questioning my sanity. I did not know who I was anymore.

But what I did know is that I RESPECTED the POWER OF HORMONES.

At first, I ventured down the destructive path of SELF-LOATHING. My internal dialogue was harsh enough, but the frequent comments casually thrown at me of a “blocked chakra”, “unresolved childhood issues”, or the blatant accusations that “deep down you don’t want children” only further re-enforced the horrific BELIEF SYSTEM of BLAME. I actually believed it was all my fault.

What an enraging, detrimental and psychologically damaging belief system.

This did not serve me, so with LOTS of therapy I FINALLY let go of those toxic beliefs.

I chose to LOVE MYSELF instead and to choose gentleness and self-compassion as I continued MY SEARCH FOR HELP AND A CURE.

This was one of my first monumental steps into FREEDOM and ENLIGHTENMENT; one of my first steps into LOVE.

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ONE OF THE PODCASTS I HAVE FOUND HELPFUL.

http://thewellnesscouch.com/wwr/wwr-93-post-ovulation-depression