The Pelvic Pain
The sciatic pain is excruciating.
I bite my cheek in order to stifle a scream as I slowly, painfully scoot my right leg over toward the edge of the bed. A searing stab runs through my hip and I let out a stifled wimper. I look over and my husband is still sleeping….luckily.
With a stoic grunt I thrust my leg over the bed and try to stand before I collapse. I am on the verge of violent weeping. It’s 2am….AGAIN…and I can hardly sleep due to the sciatic and right hip pain.
I close the bedroom door and start to cry as I lay on the living room floor, trying to stretch my glutes and release the tension. My entire pelvis feels inflamed, irritated and almost furious and for the FIRST TIME I know WHY. My emotions agree with the fury that my muscles exhibit and I grit my teeth as I stretch deeper, begging for relief.
It’s too much to take.
I start to weep.
“God, please give me relief….I am tired of this pain.”
I can’t muffle my cries anymore. I am rocking from side to side and guttural sobs of desperation, pain and hopelessness consume me.
My husband finally wakes to an all too familiar sound. Half asleep he stumbles outside and sadly says “Not again? Really?”
I can’t stop crying. I can deal with bad news, disappointment and altered life expectations but the CHRONIC PAIN is wearing me down.
My husband holds me gently as I cry out my frustration and anger, and then he starts to massage my lower back and help me stretch.
He knows what to do.
He tries his best to loosen the muscles so I can go back to sleep. Then he gets me some pain pills and sleepily re-heats my heat pack so I have enough reprieve to go back to sleep.
For many years this scenario has played out….and for many years, I NEVER realised the impact that my suffering had on my husband. The partners of those with illness’ or chronic pain suffer alongside (and sometimes worse) than the affected person, but receive little acknowledgment for this. This is something that I would finally realise and acknowledge a few years later.
I did try my best to treat my SYMPTOMS. When we were finally able to afford it, I threw myself into alternative treatments.
THE MASSAGE THERAPISTS
These were hit and miss.
I’d occasionally get a massage that eased my pain, but most of the time it would end up being a pleasant, but ineffective experience (though I guess all PLEASANT experiences do aid in helping a chronic pain sufferer find rare moments of reprieve).
THE PHYSICAL THERAPIST (PHYSIO)
Her name was Rachel.
A tiny little Korean, with the strength of Samson, that could make men cry (including my husband).
She would massage AND push AND stretch AND needle until I would FINALLY get some relief. Her determination was relentless.
Face-down, on the massage table, I would implore with muffled desperation “Rachel, can you please tell me why I have so much back pain? And why does it keep coming back? Why?”
Rachel would place an empathetic palm on my shoulder, “I really don’t know,” she would reply sadly “maybe it’s from shift work?”
She also thought that perhaps my core and right hip were too weak and that’s why my pain kept flaring up. So I started doing pilates, core exercises and joined the gym. She came to the gym and gave me a personalised training regime in order to strengthen my right hip and my core.
Unfortunately, it only seemed to make things WORSE.
I felt hopeless.
THE PODIATRIST
Ok then….perhaps something was wrong with my feet? My gait? My hip length? The pain kept flaring up and was getting worse. I turned to podiatry.
The podiatrist held my feet together and squinted his eyes. “Yes,” he said decidedly, “One leg is a little bit longer than the other. You need to wear a lift.”
“I’ll try anything,” I replied “I just want to know why my pain keeps flaring up.”
He also made me a special set of insoles. I hoped that would help.
After a week of hobbling around with a lift in my shoe I called it quits. Unfortunately it made things so much worse!
I was exasperated!!!!
At this point I had also completely stopped wearing heels. HEELS seemed to make my pelvic pain worse.
SHIFT WORK and STUDYING also seemed to exacerbate my condition; in other words sitting for too long (studying) flared up my pelvic pain, but standing for 12 hours at work made it even worse. Night shift was a whole different level of FLARE UP and PAIN.
So what did that mean? I can’t study? I can’t work? I can’t do night shift? I can’t wear heels?
Well, WTF am I supposed to do then?
I felt hopeless.
THE CHIROPRACTOR
Aw, my beautiful chiropractor. So much kindness and caring in his adjustments. They definitely seemed to help….to a point.
Some of those in western medicine scoff at the chiropractic profession, but the truth is that it really helped me…..but unfortunately it was only temporary relief (as was the resounding theme).
Merry-go-round again.
“WTF is wrong with me?”
THE ACUPUNCTURIST
Now, I love my physical therapist (and I have never found anyone quite like her again) but NOTHING helped my sciatic pain as effectively as acupuncture.
Those needles would work their magic in a way that massage and stretching could not compare. It was my saviour.
But were the effects long-lasting?
Nope.
Hopelessness engulfed me.
THE DOCTORS
Have you ever missed work because of your pain or periods?” they asked me methodically, following their check-list.
“No.” I replied in confusion, blinking back tears.
“Well, it must not be that bad then” they would say, and dismiss me AND my symptoms.
I didn’t cry.
I didn’t argue (as I should have).
Instead I just left dejectedly.
THE HOME TREATMENTS
Truth is I’m desperate. There are days when I push through the pain, but by the end of the day my body, mind and spirit is depleted.
On my days off I sleep for up to 12 hours, not fully aware of how much my pain drains me.
During the day I lay on the couch and watch movies in my exhaustion, but then spiral into a frenzy of guilt as I regret my “wasted” hours. What a HELL to live in; to accentuate my physical pain by beating myself up mentally, enhancing my suffering.
Taking responsibility for my life requires me to admit that I put myself through this psychological hell. I chose to dwell on “secondary emotions” such as guilt. I did not even realise what I was doing at the time. Retrospect delivers such PROFOUND INSIGHT.
Eventually the PAIN outweighs my GUILT, and with an extra heaping dose of the latter, I break down and take my anti-inflammatories (NSAIDS). The temporary relief of pain teases me with a glimpse into what life could be like (and is) for most of the population.
I feel myself spiralling down into a funnel of self-pity. “What is wrong with me? Other people don’t seem to have this much pain!!!”
I turn to DISTRACTION before my thoughts consume me. I go for a walk or catch up with a friend before my mind spirals out of control.
I am SLOWLY incorporating MEDITATION into my life as well. This takes time, practice and determination in order to form this habit. Even though I am struggling to commit to daily practice, I know that meditation and I will have a life-long relationship.
At the end of the day I infuse my life with WARMTH (hot baths and heath packs) as this is one of the ONLY thing that I can rely on to always bring me relief. Pills don’t always work and neither do therapies and treatments, but heat is my best friend. I can always count on you to comfort me at the end of the day. You don’t hang around forever, but you are always consistent in your ability to soothe my pain, even if it’s for but a moment.
2 AM – Here I am again – writhing in agony on the living room floor – unable to sleep. My husband’s heart cries out in empathy as he tries to ease my pain.
Tonight though, is different.
After almost 20 years of CHRONIC PAIN, unanswered questions and an unfathomable amount of pain pills…………I FINALLY know the SOURCE of my pain.
And even though I am in agony, my heart reposes in relief. If I know what the problem is, then maybe I can do something about it.
